I don't even know.

Alright... So, I was reading about an aspect that is located in my birth chart, the aspect is venus square pluto, pluto in the 5th house. I found some really thought provoking information. It said that I have an innate feeling of being unlovable. Since my dad died when I was pretty young, I apparently somehow, in my mind, believe that he left because he didn't love me enough. And interestingly enough, I have thought this in my conscious thoughts before. I remember when it ran through my mind. I can picture it now though. Walking into the ER. The curtain was hanging there, superfluous, as if to shield everyone from the harmless lifeless body that lay behind it. We were crying, I think all of us. Honestly, I can't remember seeing us all cry, I just remembering feeling the whales of sobs reverberating throughout my body. I cried out, "Daddy, please don't leave! Daddy!" but he left anyway. Soon after he died, I somehow realized that it was because he just didn't care enough. I'm not sure why I thought this. I don't know where the thought came from, I just know that I thought it, and that was it. Almost like I settled for that answer. And now, now that I think back, I have relayed this thought into relationships of mine. Like now, I just have this extreme feeling of not being lovable with my boyfriend, Cacy. He tells me he loves me and I inevitably question it. It's crazy! Why can't I just accept his love? Because I am afraid to. It must be so. Because I think that if I grab it, embrace it, and never let go, that it will somehow let go of me. I just want to stop. I just want to be secure with the idea that someone can love me. I think that I keep everyone, and when I say everyone, I meane everyone at a distance, not allowing them to get close enough because there is something in me that rejects the idea that they could possibly love me. It almost makes me want to cry just thinking about it, almost, but I am at work, and there are things going on all around me not letting me entirely connect to this current typing of the innards session, however, I am connected. I think by saying what I just said may make it sound like this is all bull, but it's not. I swear. Lol. I don't even know who I'm talking to when I type this. Nobody is following my blog, but you know what? It's nice to just get my thought out of my brain into a somewhat organized manner. Organized meaning that it is not jumbled around in my brain! Literally, I can drive myself crazy with the disorderliness that is my mind. Anyways. Yes. I need to learn that I can be loved, and that I am sure that there is genuine love for me from the people around me, but by holding them at a distance out of fear, I am forcing myself to lose out on genuine wholeness.

Ah! Fathers mating with their children... WHAT?

So, I just read on CNN.com about a man in a remote city in Brazil had sexual relations with two of his eldest daughter producing 7 children with one, and one with the other, not to mention, he abused a couple of the "grandchildren", or whatever you may call them. Really though, what are they to him? His children? Yes, but his children's children? Yes, also. I don't know, but it's seriously ridiculous and astonishing to think that a man could do such a thing to his own children. It's almost as if he was creating them for his own sexual purposes. And the sheer nerve of that man! He claims he isn't the only guilty one! He had been abusing them since they were as young as 12 years old! This is his direct quote, the sicko said, "It is a crime. I know that it is a crime," Pereira said. "But she was committing the crime as well, wasn't she? Then, I had to do it." And he continues on to say,"A farmer only does things because the other consents, because if the other doesn't consent, the person doesn't do (it)". What a freak! It's unfathomable, to think of all the horrendous things that are occurring in the world we currently occupy as a human race. I don't even want to imagine, but I bet you think of the sickest, most cruel thing a human could do to another human, and somewhere, someone is committing that act! This act reminds me of that movie Precious. It just came out not too long ago, but a very similar scenario takes place in it. A father rapes his daughter and produces two children, while the mother, nonetheless, sits idly by allowing it to continue, only to grow green with envy of her own daughter. Well, really, Precious was the one that became green, through all the abuse. The first baby was even born with down syndrome. Just a sad, sad story, and the most horrible part is that its happening all over! Is there any way to stop these horrendous happenings from occurring in our world? Or is the sickness to live on as the human condition? There must be an answer somewhere. Just imagine all the innocence gone. I was just talking with a co-worker of mine, and she was telling me of her sister in law, and how she frequents juvenile facilities in order to talk with girls and help them with their struggles. She is currently visiting a girl who is now 16 years old, but who escaped her home when she was only 13 after 6 years of being raped and molested by her own father. The sick part is, is that he would tell her that "this is how you show love". Yea, I can just picture the sick freak hovering over her and the young girl damned to partake in his sick lesson. Disgusting. Well, she went to tell her mother what was going on and she didn't believe her! Yea, right. The bitch just didn't want to believe her, I think. So, the child was forced to run away and fend for herself and she now resides in a juvenile detention facility, because she has had no one to go to, not even her own mother. When the girl told authorities what had happened, the parents figured it out somehow and fled and to this day haven't been located. It just takes me to say that when your kid tells you something, don't just regard it entirely as made up, there has to be some truth in it somewhere, even if it isn't obvious. Just listen.

Well, if you want to read about the man in Brazil, here's the link:
http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/americas/06/11/brazil.incest.case/index.html?hpt=P1&iref=NS1

Oh goodness...

What to write about, that is the question. I am just sitting here, in my mom's room, with my kitty Nacho, aka, Ignacio Alejandro Oscar Ramirez, perched on top of my lap, gazing at me with his big beautiful eyes. Seriously, this cat is gorgeous, and I feel a sort of soul mate connection with him. I'm glad he's my cat, and despite the fact that I've sort of failed to be there for him entirely, he still comes back to me with his loving eyes and his reaching paw. I love him. Anyways, we took a drive today. And when I say "we", I mean, my boyfriend Cacy and I. Its odd, because I say "we", and I think of us as a "we", but often times, its as though your stealing his entire identity when he faces a situation where the fact that we are a we comes into question. For example, we were at Goodwill today, ran in to pick him up some pants for work, and the cashier greets US kindly, "hello, how are you two doing today?" Well, he of course answers, "I'm fine" and I guess that leaves me, "I'm fine too, thanks". Now is it so much to expect that he just says, "we're fine?" You know what, I guess not. And I guess I sound kind of like a spoiled brat by bringing this up, just bitchin' and complainin' like all us "women" do, hoping for a fairytale. Lol, well, I am more and more facing the reality that the life we live, as people, is never quite a fairytale. Well, whatever, back to the "we" thing. I guess that being somewhat of a feminist, I'm not sure if the somewhat implies anything valid, because you're either something or you're not, but I truly find that I believe that all people are just people, and whether or not you're a woman, a man, a black, white, puerto rican, or asian man or woman, you are just a person, and that should tell it all. We are all just people, here in this world, living, trying to get by, do what we have to do to live, either way, the point I am trying to make is that, when Cacy doesn't include me in with his "we", I feel sort of left out, dissapointed, however, why should I be? I guess I really am encouraging my independence, my right to answer my own question the way I want to answer it. There is no need for him to answer for me, it whatever. "How are you two doing today?" Well, I'm fucking dandy, thank you. Lol. Whatever. I'm just blabbing on from my scattered brain. And that brings me to another topic, who's to say that I'm blabbing? Eh? Who is to put a value on what I have to say? Yes, I'm putting my thoughts out there, on this blog, so that anyone who chooses to read them can read them, and they will judge what they read, but you know what? Who's to say that my thoughts are any less valuable than yours? eh? I don't care what you think, I am just spillin it, and its whatever. Man, I wish that I had a better box of vocabulary to choose from. But a wise person once told me, you can wish in one hand, and crap in the other, and see which on fills up first. Yea, I guess he had something right. I need to stop all this wishing bullcrap and just do something with my life. Yea, I have a job, yea I have a boyfriend, siblings, a mother, a cat, but I need to make sure to truly embrace it all, and I think then, then when I have really learned to appreciate all that I have in my life, will I be able to really do something concrete with it. Because really, as of now, what can I say that I've accomplished? Not a lotta. Yea, sure, I graduated High school, yea sure, I've taken classes and the community college, but what have I done with all of that? Nothing. I need to apply this to life somehow, get real, and make something of myself. Not be so selfish while doing it also. But seriously, Cacy and I have been arguing all week it seems like. I'm not sure why, but I get into these mental and emotional, which for me its nearly impossible to separate the two, spirals and I can't get out of them until I'm so far down that I can't decipher between fact and what I have created in my mind. Literally! It sounds crazy, but honestly, I think it may be, but there must be a way that I can stop doing this, because it is really hurting my relationships, especially with Cacy. Like, for example, actually, I don't even want to get into it. I just want to go and clean my room, maybe hang up a few pictures on the wall after I spray away the mold that is so effortlessly growing from the ceiling. Ok, well, until next time. Deuces.