here we go again

I am just sitting here at work, it's one of the slowest nights I've experienced in a while. There's not even a patient in the ER. Craziness. Oh well, so, instead of working, which I am limited to not do on this shift, I am speaking with one of my very dear friends via text. I love her very much, but she keeps letting her ex-boyfriend into her heart and into her life, and all he does there is crunch it and munch it into tiny little pieces. It makes me so angry at him for doing such a thing, yet angry at her at the same time for allowing it to happen. I don't know, I just don't like to see her hurt without me being able to do anything about it. But blah blah blah. I am so tired. I have too many friends in turmoil right now over their men. It really makes me so absolutely grateful to have such a wonderful man in my life. He literally is so amazing and I am so lucky to have ever met him. He is so smart, it turns me on to the nth degree. He can actually recite lines and lines of movies as if he were in a monologue, so impressive I wish he'd take a drama class or something. He's completely perfect, and can entertain for hours with his amazing memory and imagination. He also always knows what is going on in the world. Whether it be politics or sports or everything, he just never fails to have some sort of knowledge of any and every subject. So sexy. He has an amazing brain... and also an amazing smile, eyes that could melt me, lips that are so luscious and soft that I never have had enough in one sitting, I must be pried away. His voice reverberates in my soul when he sings Johnny Cash. I really can't say in words just how amazing I think he is, but he lights up my life in a way I've never experienced. He gives me more of a reason to live and to make something of my own life. Quite a wonderful feeling. I just don't know what my life would be like without him, nor do I even want to imagine it. He has my heart, and I am lucky enough to have his too. I know this entry started out pondering the thoughts of my friends lost in turmoil, however, it just reminds me about how great I've got it. Oh so great. Thank you life.

Feelings of depression....

I feel really depressed today and I'm not quite sure why. I just feel really lonely. Ok, so I kind of know why in a sense, and what I'm not sure is if I even have a right to be so sad about the subject that is clawing away at my happiness. So, I was talking to my boyfriend and we were discussing the matter of after death. I told him how I had spoken with an elderly lady at the hospital that I work at and she was telling me about how her and her husband are donating their bodies to science. It's a rather interesting concept. I mean, myself, not being religious and believing that the body is just a result of our genetics and it is here to transport our life source and when our body dies, our life goes elsewhere. I'm not sure where it goes of course, but we don't use the body after it's dead. I thought, I don't want to be buried in a grave underground, rotting away, being eaten by bugs and my body slowly decaying into mere nothingness. Gosh, no. I thought about being cremated, and yea, my dad was cremated, and so was my sister, but they're just sitting in my mom's room on her shelf. What good are they doing there? I don't know. Either way, we were chatting and I asked him what he wanted to do when he passed, and he knew that he wanted to be cremated and stored with his grandmother. Well, I don't know why, well, probably because I think everything revolves around me in an odd sense, however, I just thought about how he didn't even consider being next to me at all. I guess if we have kids or something I'll be buried with them. But for some reason, the idea that he doesn't want to be with me afterdeath kind of makes me feel extrememly lonely now. Obviously I have more attachments to the physical body then I let myself think. I don't know, but it makes me sad and I feel lonely. I guess I just need to be a big girl on this one. Whatever.