here we go again

I am just sitting here at work, it's one of the slowest nights I've experienced in a while. There's not even a patient in the ER. Craziness. Oh well, so, instead of working, which I am limited to not do on this shift, I am speaking with one of my very dear friends via text. I love her very much, but she keeps letting her ex-boyfriend into her heart and into her life, and all he does there is crunch it and munch it into tiny little pieces. It makes me so angry at him for doing such a thing, yet angry at her at the same time for allowing it to happen. I don't know, I just don't like to see her hurt without me being able to do anything about it. But blah blah blah. I am so tired. I have too many friends in turmoil right now over their men. It really makes me so absolutely grateful to have such a wonderful man in my life. He literally is so amazing and I am so lucky to have ever met him. He is so smart, it turns me on to the nth degree. He can actually recite lines and lines of movies as if he were in a monologue, so impressive I wish he'd take a drama class or something. He's completely perfect, and can entertain for hours with his amazing memory and imagination. He also always knows what is going on in the world. Whether it be politics or sports or everything, he just never fails to have some sort of knowledge of any and every subject. So sexy. He has an amazing brain... and also an amazing smile, eyes that could melt me, lips that are so luscious and soft that I never have had enough in one sitting, I must be pried away. His voice reverberates in my soul when he sings Johnny Cash. I really can't say in words just how amazing I think he is, but he lights up my life in a way I've never experienced. He gives me more of a reason to live and to make something of my own life. Quite a wonderful feeling. I just don't know what my life would be like without him, nor do I even want to imagine it. He has my heart, and I am lucky enough to have his too. I know this entry started out pondering the thoughts of my friends lost in turmoil, however, it just reminds me about how great I've got it. Oh so great. Thank you life.

Feelings of depression....

I feel really depressed today and I'm not quite sure why. I just feel really lonely. Ok, so I kind of know why in a sense, and what I'm not sure is if I even have a right to be so sad about the subject that is clawing away at my happiness. So, I was talking to my boyfriend and we were discussing the matter of after death. I told him how I had spoken with an elderly lady at the hospital that I work at and she was telling me about how her and her husband are donating their bodies to science. It's a rather interesting concept. I mean, myself, not being religious and believing that the body is just a result of our genetics and it is here to transport our life source and when our body dies, our life goes elsewhere. I'm not sure where it goes of course, but we don't use the body after it's dead. I thought, I don't want to be buried in a grave underground, rotting away, being eaten by bugs and my body slowly decaying into mere nothingness. Gosh, no. I thought about being cremated, and yea, my dad was cremated, and so was my sister, but they're just sitting in my mom's room on her shelf. What good are they doing there? I don't know. Either way, we were chatting and I asked him what he wanted to do when he passed, and he knew that he wanted to be cremated and stored with his grandmother. Well, I don't know why, well, probably because I think everything revolves around me in an odd sense, however, I just thought about how he didn't even consider being next to me at all. I guess if we have kids or something I'll be buried with them. But for some reason, the idea that he doesn't want to be with me afterdeath kind of makes me feel extrememly lonely now. Obviously I have more attachments to the physical body then I let myself think. I don't know, but it makes me sad and I feel lonely. I guess I just need to be a big girl on this one. Whatever.

I don't even know.

Alright... So, I was reading about an aspect that is located in my birth chart, the aspect is venus square pluto, pluto in the 5th house. I found some really thought provoking information. It said that I have an innate feeling of being unlovable. Since my dad died when I was pretty young, I apparently somehow, in my mind, believe that he left because he didn't love me enough. And interestingly enough, I have thought this in my conscious thoughts before. I remember when it ran through my mind. I can picture it now though. Walking into the ER. The curtain was hanging there, superfluous, as if to shield everyone from the harmless lifeless body that lay behind it. We were crying, I think all of us. Honestly, I can't remember seeing us all cry, I just remembering feeling the whales of sobs reverberating throughout my body. I cried out, "Daddy, please don't leave! Daddy!" but he left anyway. Soon after he died, I somehow realized that it was because he just didn't care enough. I'm not sure why I thought this. I don't know where the thought came from, I just know that I thought it, and that was it. Almost like I settled for that answer. And now, now that I think back, I have relayed this thought into relationships of mine. Like now, I just have this extreme feeling of not being lovable with my boyfriend, Cacy. He tells me he loves me and I inevitably question it. It's crazy! Why can't I just accept his love? Because I am afraid to. It must be so. Because I think that if I grab it, embrace it, and never let go, that it will somehow let go of me. I just want to stop. I just want to be secure with the idea that someone can love me. I think that I keep everyone, and when I say everyone, I meane everyone at a distance, not allowing them to get close enough because there is something in me that rejects the idea that they could possibly love me. It almost makes me want to cry just thinking about it, almost, but I am at work, and there are things going on all around me not letting me entirely connect to this current typing of the innards session, however, I am connected. I think by saying what I just said may make it sound like this is all bull, but it's not. I swear. Lol. I don't even know who I'm talking to when I type this. Nobody is following my blog, but you know what? It's nice to just get my thought out of my brain into a somewhat organized manner. Organized meaning that it is not jumbled around in my brain! Literally, I can drive myself crazy with the disorderliness that is my mind. Anyways. Yes. I need to learn that I can be loved, and that I am sure that there is genuine love for me from the people around me, but by holding them at a distance out of fear, I am forcing myself to lose out on genuine wholeness.

Ah! Fathers mating with their children... WHAT?

So, I just read on CNN.com about a man in a remote city in Brazil had sexual relations with two of his eldest daughter producing 7 children with one, and one with the other, not to mention, he abused a couple of the "grandchildren", or whatever you may call them. Really though, what are they to him? His children? Yes, but his children's children? Yes, also. I don't know, but it's seriously ridiculous and astonishing to think that a man could do such a thing to his own children. It's almost as if he was creating them for his own sexual purposes. And the sheer nerve of that man! He claims he isn't the only guilty one! He had been abusing them since they were as young as 12 years old! This is his direct quote, the sicko said, "It is a crime. I know that it is a crime," Pereira said. "But she was committing the crime as well, wasn't she? Then, I had to do it." And he continues on to say,"A farmer only does things because the other consents, because if the other doesn't consent, the person doesn't do (it)". What a freak! It's unfathomable, to think of all the horrendous things that are occurring in the world we currently occupy as a human race. I don't even want to imagine, but I bet you think of the sickest, most cruel thing a human could do to another human, and somewhere, someone is committing that act! This act reminds me of that movie Precious. It just came out not too long ago, but a very similar scenario takes place in it. A father rapes his daughter and produces two children, while the mother, nonetheless, sits idly by allowing it to continue, only to grow green with envy of her own daughter. Well, really, Precious was the one that became green, through all the abuse. The first baby was even born with down syndrome. Just a sad, sad story, and the most horrible part is that its happening all over! Is there any way to stop these horrendous happenings from occurring in our world? Or is the sickness to live on as the human condition? There must be an answer somewhere. Just imagine all the innocence gone. I was just talking with a co-worker of mine, and she was telling me of her sister in law, and how she frequents juvenile facilities in order to talk with girls and help them with their struggles. She is currently visiting a girl who is now 16 years old, but who escaped her home when she was only 13 after 6 years of being raped and molested by her own father. The sick part is, is that he would tell her that "this is how you show love". Yea, I can just picture the sick freak hovering over her and the young girl damned to partake in his sick lesson. Disgusting. Well, she went to tell her mother what was going on and she didn't believe her! Yea, right. The bitch just didn't want to believe her, I think. So, the child was forced to run away and fend for herself and she now resides in a juvenile detention facility, because she has had no one to go to, not even her own mother. When the girl told authorities what had happened, the parents figured it out somehow and fled and to this day haven't been located. It just takes me to say that when your kid tells you something, don't just regard it entirely as made up, there has to be some truth in it somewhere, even if it isn't obvious. Just listen.

Well, if you want to read about the man in Brazil, here's the link:
http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/americas/06/11/brazil.incest.case/index.html?hpt=P1&iref=NS1

Oh goodness...

What to write about, that is the question. I am just sitting here, in my mom's room, with my kitty Nacho, aka, Ignacio Alejandro Oscar Ramirez, perched on top of my lap, gazing at me with his big beautiful eyes. Seriously, this cat is gorgeous, and I feel a sort of soul mate connection with him. I'm glad he's my cat, and despite the fact that I've sort of failed to be there for him entirely, he still comes back to me with his loving eyes and his reaching paw. I love him. Anyways, we took a drive today. And when I say "we", I mean, my boyfriend Cacy and I. Its odd, because I say "we", and I think of us as a "we", but often times, its as though your stealing his entire identity when he faces a situation where the fact that we are a we comes into question. For example, we were at Goodwill today, ran in to pick him up some pants for work, and the cashier greets US kindly, "hello, how are you two doing today?" Well, he of course answers, "I'm fine" and I guess that leaves me, "I'm fine too, thanks". Now is it so much to expect that he just says, "we're fine?" You know what, I guess not. And I guess I sound kind of like a spoiled brat by bringing this up, just bitchin' and complainin' like all us "women" do, hoping for a fairytale. Lol, well, I am more and more facing the reality that the life we live, as people, is never quite a fairytale. Well, whatever, back to the "we" thing. I guess that being somewhat of a feminist, I'm not sure if the somewhat implies anything valid, because you're either something or you're not, but I truly find that I believe that all people are just people, and whether or not you're a woman, a man, a black, white, puerto rican, or asian man or woman, you are just a person, and that should tell it all. We are all just people, here in this world, living, trying to get by, do what we have to do to live, either way, the point I am trying to make is that, when Cacy doesn't include me in with his "we", I feel sort of left out, dissapointed, however, why should I be? I guess I really am encouraging my independence, my right to answer my own question the way I want to answer it. There is no need for him to answer for me, it whatever. "How are you two doing today?" Well, I'm fucking dandy, thank you. Lol. Whatever. I'm just blabbing on from my scattered brain. And that brings me to another topic, who's to say that I'm blabbing? Eh? Who is to put a value on what I have to say? Yes, I'm putting my thoughts out there, on this blog, so that anyone who chooses to read them can read them, and they will judge what they read, but you know what? Who's to say that my thoughts are any less valuable than yours? eh? I don't care what you think, I am just spillin it, and its whatever. Man, I wish that I had a better box of vocabulary to choose from. But a wise person once told me, you can wish in one hand, and crap in the other, and see which on fills up first. Yea, I guess he had something right. I need to stop all this wishing bullcrap and just do something with my life. Yea, I have a job, yea I have a boyfriend, siblings, a mother, a cat, but I need to make sure to truly embrace it all, and I think then, then when I have really learned to appreciate all that I have in my life, will I be able to really do something concrete with it. Because really, as of now, what can I say that I've accomplished? Not a lotta. Yea, sure, I graduated High school, yea sure, I've taken classes and the community college, but what have I done with all of that? Nothing. I need to apply this to life somehow, get real, and make something of myself. Not be so selfish while doing it also. But seriously, Cacy and I have been arguing all week it seems like. I'm not sure why, but I get into these mental and emotional, which for me its nearly impossible to separate the two, spirals and I can't get out of them until I'm so far down that I can't decipher between fact and what I have created in my mind. Literally! It sounds crazy, but honestly, I think it may be, but there must be a way that I can stop doing this, because it is really hurting my relationships, especially with Cacy. Like, for example, actually, I don't even want to get into it. I just want to go and clean my room, maybe hang up a few pictures on the wall after I spray away the mold that is so effortlessly growing from the ceiling. Ok, well, until next time. Deuces.

Right now?

Yea, again, it is 5:55 in the am, and I'm writing in this blog. Its just odd that I wait until the last second to blast my thoughts onto computer screen. Well, I guess if I think about it, it's not that odd, for I wait until the last second to do most things. I honestly live in constant chaos. I am always on the go, always have something to do, somewhere to be, something the get done. I am not sure why it seems to pile up so easily for me, but probably because I let it. I admire those people that can just organize their lives in a fashion that lets it be easily livable. I mean, I guess I am living life easily, that is not the case. The case, is my uncontrollable inability to take care of the mundane, however required tasks that make up an essential part of life. For example, I don't do laundry until its absolutely necessary. I will then do it, and throw the freshly cleaned clothes onto the couch in my bedroom, which soon inevitably fall upon my floor. Its unfortunate, because my floor doesn't smell that great, since I live in a room that used to be used for storage and has had some funks dwelling within. But whatever. I swear I clean my car all the time, or maybe it just seems like all the time. And on top of that, my mom even sporadically does it for me. But it just sullies up quick after. You'd never know that it has ever been cleaned. I don't know, i don't even remember what my point was, oh yes, the fact the I live an extrememly unorganized life and its, quite often, too difficult to manage. I think that if I could just buckle down, I would save so much. Time, stress, life, money and the list goes on. But we will see. whatever. I am just tired and raving. Or is it raging. More like ranting. But seriously, whatever.

Excessively Restless

Wow... It's been such a long shift. I can't wait to get out of here. My vision is blurred, possibly because of my fatigue, however, also possibly because I am wearing rather old contacts that I probably should not be putting into my eyes. Well, too bad I want to sleep huh. Yea, too bad. I still need to take my friend to go get her wisdom teeth pulled. Poor girl. I remember when I had mine pulled, they did all four and an extra that had succumbed its life to decay, a tooth that was only a sharp piece of bone in my mouth cutting away at my tongue. I swear, the actual pulling out of the teeth isn't really too painful. It's really not even painful at all, of course IF and only IF you have some sort of toxin running through your body. Now, I just used the nitrous because I was too cheap to pay for the dilouted or whatever they prescribe. I mean, seriuosly, 80 bucks for two frickin pills, I don't think so. So, I decided to risk it and go with just the nitrous, and I didn't regret my choice. I just chilled. Now, I also had ridiculously high blood pressure because I counsciously sucked in as much of the nitrous filled air as I could, hoping it would have a more potent effect. I'm not exactly sure if it did and I was close to hyperventilating, but I really didn't feel much else besides them yoynking around in my mouth, but just the movement. Wow. I am so freaking tired. Its 6:07 in the morning, and I am mostly dead, seriously. I just wish I could go, lay in my bed and put my head on my fluffy pillow. Wow, I wish I took a nap. Anyway, I am lost in my train of thought. Interesting set of words... Train of thought, well not the those words, but the concept of being lost in them. It doesn't make any sense. Maybe because I am saying the words wrong. I don't know. Whatever. I just want to go to sleep very badly and I am disgruntled by this rude lady that I spoke with just a minute ago. I literally wish I could have kicked her ass through the phone, but our exponential technological growth has not quite taken us to such possibilities. Oh well, maybe one day, and when I can, I will. Isn't it odd. Well, no, not it, but I've always wanted to punch someone in the face. Just punch them. And for some reason I have never done it. I feel, however, that my fist is weak when I grip it, and when I look at it, and feel it in the tightest grip I can grasp, it seems to me as though it is frail enough to bend and not have as effective of a punch as I want it to have. Well, I guess I will just have to wait and see. But why wait? I just want punch someone in the fucking face. Lol. It's time to leave, thank the lord who whoever.

Hmm....

So, as I begin to type, I have no preconceived idea as to what I am going to write about, I just know that I feel like spilling my mind onto this computer screen. What I really should be doing is my homework. lol. I have so much of it and yet I still find something else to do that isnt it. Why? I'm just not sure. I am at work right now... It's been crazy busy, the computers are down, and it's 2:39 in the morning. Why are there people up this early? Why do they want to come here? Really, your kid has a fever, give them some tylenol, don't take them to the emergency room. Oh, I see, you have Oregon health plan, therefore, I am technically taking your kid to the emergency room, so it's fine. I just don't get it. There needs to be a parenting course required for all parents. There are just too many people that are clueless, and its perpetuating the problem, generation after generation. People abusing the system, because they haven't been taught any better. Wow, this coffee is horrible, yet I still continue to drink it. My foot is falling asleep. I really need to work out. I feel so fat. I don't like my body. I just want to look in the mirror and be proud of what I see, and right now, I know that I could do better. I know that this body is the only one that I get and it is time to buckle down and just treat it as the amazing mechanism that it is. However, I even procrastinate with that, I seem to think that tomorrow is a better day to get stuff done. I just need to do it. If I don't, it won't get done. It's NOW time to end this cycle of discontent.

Working on procrastination...

It seems to me that my whole life I've almost been too lazy to procrastinate, however, I still usually get my stuff done, but lately that hasn't really been the case. I've been putting off everything to the point that it just keeps piling up and the stress keeps mounting and it gets overwhelming. I have searched around for some ways to get motivated and I found this guy, who really has some helpful insight! http://fundamental-shift.com/meditation-introduction.html
I just hope that I can apply it to my life and get some stuff done!

Just sitting at work...

Have you ever heard the idea about how your small moment, could be a ginormous one for someone else? Well, for example, I'm just sitting here at work, stuffed from the Chipotle Chicken burrito that I just gobbled down effortlessly... just living through another day at work, getting paid to do what I do, admit people into the ER. Well, there is a 34 year old man receiving CPR in the ER just 20 feet away from me. His wife just called, they're expecting a child any day now. Its hard to believe, that there is a baby that is destined to be fatherless, but that is the way it is looking now. I'm nervous to see the wife come in, 9 months pregnant, frantic at the thought of losing her husband, I can already see it, as I've seen a similar situation in my lifetime. Life just comes at you to teach you lessons.... This one reminds me of the mortality of humans. It reminds me to make sure that my loved ones know that I love them. It reminds me about how everyone has problems, everyone on this planet face obstacles and hardships and reminds me to take a look in the mirror and remember that I am not the only one, my problems could always be worse. I am grateful for what I have, but I must definitely actively be aware of my ties, for they can be unraveled in a second.