Here I am... Signed, sealed, delivered.

So... How do I put this... We're expecting! I can't believe it. I am actually going to be a mom. It's a mind boggling thought. So many questions come to mind. Will I be able to handle it? Will my kid even like me? Will I be able to give them all they could ever need and help them be the best person they can be? I'm going with... I hope so. That's really all I can do. I really can't believe this time has actually come. I've always wanted to me a mother. I'm just the mothering type, I suppose. Whenever my sibs and I would play... we'd play house, and I was the oldest and made sure I was the "mom". Ha. Good memories of good times past. Gotta love it. To think a little one with mine and my love's DNA will be playing games as we did those many years ago. We are just about 16 weeks along. Baby Orssten is due October 25th, 2012. I'm not quite showing... mostly because I have a layer of fat covering the top of it, helping to camouflage the bump, but it's there! No doubt about it. So far, I've had a relatively easy pregnancy. Bouts of nausea here and there as well as the occasional food aversion. Like, please, don't even go near me with a Chipotle burrito, or anything that smells like one. I just may vomit on you. And if you do it after I've asked you not to, I will make sure to vomit on you. But really, life has been great. I am a very lucky pregnant gal. We are so anxious to find out the sex of this baby. I really just can't wait to find out! At first I'm just like, "eh, whateva, a baby is a baby, I don't care what it is". And while, I really still will be happy either way, I've bought out pretty much all the grey, yellow, light green neutral clothing I can find. It's time to get some gender specific threads into this babe's closet! We find out June 4th whether there is a penis or a vagina (or possibly both, let's hope for a non-hermaphrodite baby, but hey, of course, I will love it just the same) floatin' around in my uterus. I just can't imagine. I've had dreams of boys. One very beautiful brown curly haired with big brown eyes boy stared back at me in one... I can only hope for such a beautiful baby. I also had a dream of a girl, she was a toehead blonde, and I'm not quite sure she was ours, since I have an olive complexion, brown hair and eyes, and Cacy, the daddy, is half black/half white with piercingly beautiful light eyes. But hey, ya never know! But, how psychic can I possibly be? Especially since the babe's dad is the psychic one, he dreamed we were pregnant and the next week we found out we were. Who knew? Pretty awesome, I say. Also, it could be a girl because the only name that I can come up with is a girl name: Violet Elizabeth. Violet because I love it and Elizabeth because it was Cacy's great grandmother's, who raised him and who he adored with all his heart, middle name. My friend Natalia said that's how she new her last one was a girl, because with her first two the same situation rang true and whoda thunk it, number three was the same as well. Today was just another day where I struggle to eat nutritionally adequate foods. Well, I suppose there is protein in the sunflower seeds I painstakingly devoured, as well as in the Nutella I slathered on the five grain bread. Besides that, I did drink some apple juice. 100 percent juice I might add. Breakfast had some good protein as well with three unfertalized chicken eggs over easy and some more nine grain bread; not bad. Let's just say, the licorice, the dove chocolate, and the almond joy mocha from Dutch Bros. never happened. The aforementioned unmentionable, aka my sugar addiction, has been prevalant throughout this entire pregnancy. I can't have enough sugar! I'm not sure if it's because I've become vegetarian, err uhh, pescatarian really (can't stay away from that sushi! Yes, cooked of course), and use it as a way of supplementing the meat in my mind, or if I really just have an addiction to sugar. Honestly, I eat rather well if it weren't for the sucre dominating my daily menu. I haven't gained any weight throughout this pregnancy either, which is good, as I am considered morbidly obese already. Which proves this pouch in front of me isn't all me. Thank goodness for my peace of mind. Either way, I neeeeeeeeeeeed to stop eating sugar like the canes will all be melted down into glass any time soon or else I'm sure I'll induce gestational diabetes.

Well, why?

Why do I do this? Because... it is true. I am putting myself out there. I am afraid of my head being lobbed off! Thanks Trista. But seriously. Why? What is the worst that could happen? Someone will read my words and spit on their computer screen? Cause an electrical fire somewhere? What? I don't know. Do. DO. do. Do. dO> DO!

I am tired of putting it off, whatever "it" may be.

I am tired of looking back and realizing missed opportunities, for when I let them slide by, I am fully aware, yet something holds me back. Something in my subconscious. Something I must conquer, or maybe even envelope, in order to be whole.

I need to follow my north star. Wherever that takes me. Follow my heart. And just DO! Yaya. I like that. I'm a do-er. They say that if you tell yourself you're something you aspire to be, then you will become. I'm a freaking Do-er. I like the sounds of that. No fear, just do. Sweeeeeeeet:)

Epic Fail

Gosh... I really feel like a failure. Like, when I was a kid, I had all these dreams. I dreamed I would marry an undeserving millionaire and divorce him and take half his cash and then marry for love. Bahaha. Yes, I'm pretty sure that was me. But still, I wanted to be a judge, but then realized I had to be a lawyer first and changed my mind. I wanted to be a doctor, but there is just so much school involved. I want to be healthy, but working out takes so much effort. I want to be a counselor, but the fear of failing overwhelms me. It appears as though I am very afraid of failure. Well, if FDR had it, and there is nothing to fear but fear itself, then why can't I get that into my thick skull? I'm probably afraid. I have been trying to blog for centuries... ok, no, not centuries, but quite a while. Keyword: Try. From the wise words of Yoda himself, "do or do not there is no try". I try, and when I fail, I tell myself, at least I tried. NO! This is not acceptable, and shouldn't be. I deserve to do, for me. I scare myself out of accomplishing my own dreams. Now, I'm madly in love with someone without a monetary fortune;)

here we go again

I am just sitting here at work, it's one of the slowest nights I've experienced in a while. There's not even a patient in the ER. Craziness. Oh well, so, instead of working, which I am limited to not do on this shift, I am speaking with one of my very dear friends via text. I love her very much, but she keeps letting her ex-boyfriend into her heart and into her life, and all he does there is crunch it and munch it into tiny little pieces. It makes me so angry at him for doing such a thing, yet angry at her at the same time for allowing it to happen. I don't know, I just don't like to see her hurt without me being able to do anything about it. But blah blah blah. I am so tired. I have too many friends in turmoil right now over their men. It really makes me so absolutely grateful to have such a wonderful man in my life. He literally is so amazing and I am so lucky to have ever met him. He is so smart, it turns me on to the nth degree. He can actually recite lines and lines of movies as if he were in a monologue, so impressive I wish he'd take a drama class or something. He's completely perfect, and can entertain for hours with his amazing memory and imagination. He also always knows what is going on in the world. Whether it be politics or sports or everything, he just never fails to have some sort of knowledge of any and every subject. So sexy. He has an amazing brain... and also an amazing smile, eyes that could melt me, lips that are so luscious and soft that I never have had enough in one sitting, I must be pried away. His voice reverberates in my soul when he sings Johnny Cash. I really can't say in words just how amazing I think he is, but he lights up my life in a way I've never experienced. He gives me more of a reason to live and to make something of my own life. Quite a wonderful feeling. I just don't know what my life would be like without him, nor do I even want to imagine it. He has my heart, and I am lucky enough to have his too. I know this entry started out pondering the thoughts of my friends lost in turmoil, however, it just reminds me about how great I've got it. Oh so great. Thank you life.

Feelings of depression....

I feel really depressed today and I'm not quite sure why. I just feel really lonely. Ok, so I kind of know why in a sense, and what I'm not sure is if I even have a right to be so sad about the subject that is clawing away at my happiness. So, I was talking to my boyfriend and we were discussing the matter of after death. I told him how I had spoken with an elderly lady at the hospital that I work at and she was telling me about how her and her husband are donating their bodies to science. It's a rather interesting concept. I mean, myself, not being religious and believing that the body is just a result of our genetics and it is here to transport our life source and when our body dies, our life goes elsewhere. I'm not sure where it goes of course, but we don't use the body after it's dead. I thought, I don't want to be buried in a grave underground, rotting away, being eaten by bugs and my body slowly decaying into mere nothingness. Gosh, no. I thought about being cremated, and yea, my dad was cremated, and so was my sister, but they're just sitting in my mom's room on her shelf. What good are they doing there? I don't know. Either way, we were chatting and I asked him what he wanted to do when he passed, and he knew that he wanted to be cremated and stored with his grandmother. Well, I don't know why, well, probably because I think everything revolves around me in an odd sense, however, I just thought about how he didn't even consider being next to me at all. I guess if we have kids or something I'll be buried with them. But for some reason, the idea that he doesn't want to be with me afterdeath kind of makes me feel extrememly lonely now. Obviously I have more attachments to the physical body then I let myself think. I don't know, but it makes me sad and I feel lonely. I guess I just need to be a big girl on this one. Whatever.

I don't even know.

Alright... So, I was reading about an aspect that is located in my birth chart, the aspect is venus square pluto, pluto in the 5th house. I found some really thought provoking information. It said that I have an innate feeling of being unlovable. Since my dad died when I was pretty young, I apparently somehow, in my mind, believe that he left because he didn't love me enough. And interestingly enough, I have thought this in my conscious thoughts before. I remember when it ran through my mind. I can picture it now though. Walking into the ER. The curtain was hanging there, superfluous, as if to shield everyone from the harmless lifeless body that lay behind it. We were crying, I think all of us. Honestly, I can't remember seeing us all cry, I just remembering feeling the whales of sobs reverberating throughout my body. I cried out, "Daddy, please don't leave! Daddy!" but he left anyway. Soon after he died, I somehow realized that it was because he just didn't care enough. I'm not sure why I thought this. I don't know where the thought came from, I just know that I thought it, and that was it. Almost like I settled for that answer. And now, now that I think back, I have relayed this thought into relationships of mine. Like now, I just have this extreme feeling of not being lovable with my boyfriend, Cacy. He tells me he loves me and I inevitably question it. It's crazy! Why can't I just accept his love? Because I am afraid to. It must be so. Because I think that if I grab it, embrace it, and never let go, that it will somehow let go of me. I just want to stop. I just want to be secure with the idea that someone can love me. I think that I keep everyone, and when I say everyone, I meane everyone at a distance, not allowing them to get close enough because there is something in me that rejects the idea that they could possibly love me. It almost makes me want to cry just thinking about it, almost, but I am at work, and there are things going on all around me not letting me entirely connect to this current typing of the innards session, however, I am connected. I think by saying what I just said may make it sound like this is all bull, but it's not. I swear. Lol. I don't even know who I'm talking to when I type this. Nobody is following my blog, but you know what? It's nice to just get my thought out of my brain into a somewhat organized manner. Organized meaning that it is not jumbled around in my brain! Literally, I can drive myself crazy with the disorderliness that is my mind. Anyways. Yes. I need to learn that I can be loved, and that I am sure that there is genuine love for me from the people around me, but by holding them at a distance out of fear, I am forcing myself to lose out on genuine wholeness.

Ah! Fathers mating with their children... WHAT?

So, I just read on CNN.com about a man in a remote city in Brazil had sexual relations with two of his eldest daughter producing 7 children with one, and one with the other, not to mention, he abused a couple of the "grandchildren", or whatever you may call them. Really though, what are they to him? His children? Yes, but his children's children? Yes, also. I don't know, but it's seriously ridiculous and astonishing to think that a man could do such a thing to his own children. It's almost as if he was creating them for his own sexual purposes. And the sheer nerve of that man! He claims he isn't the only guilty one! He had been abusing them since they were as young as 12 years old! This is his direct quote, the sicko said, "It is a crime. I know that it is a crime," Pereira said. "But she was committing the crime as well, wasn't she? Then, I had to do it." And he continues on to say,"A farmer only does things because the other consents, because if the other doesn't consent, the person doesn't do (it)". What a freak! It's unfathomable, to think of all the horrendous things that are occurring in the world we currently occupy as a human race. I don't even want to imagine, but I bet you think of the sickest, most cruel thing a human could do to another human, and somewhere, someone is committing that act! This act reminds me of that movie Precious. It just came out not too long ago, but a very similar scenario takes place in it. A father rapes his daughter and produces two children, while the mother, nonetheless, sits idly by allowing it to continue, only to grow green with envy of her own daughter. Well, really, Precious was the one that became green, through all the abuse. The first baby was even born with down syndrome. Just a sad, sad story, and the most horrible part is that its happening all over! Is there any way to stop these horrendous happenings from occurring in our world? Or is the sickness to live on as the human condition? There must be an answer somewhere. Just imagine all the innocence gone. I was just talking with a co-worker of mine, and she was telling me of her sister in law, and how she frequents juvenile facilities in order to talk with girls and help them with their struggles. She is currently visiting a girl who is now 16 years old, but who escaped her home when she was only 13 after 6 years of being raped and molested by her own father. The sick part is, is that he would tell her that "this is how you show love". Yea, I can just picture the sick freak hovering over her and the young girl damned to partake in his sick lesson. Disgusting. Well, she went to tell her mother what was going on and she didn't believe her! Yea, right. The bitch just didn't want to believe her, I think. So, the child was forced to run away and fend for herself and she now resides in a juvenile detention facility, because she has had no one to go to, not even her own mother. When the girl told authorities what had happened, the parents figured it out somehow and fled and to this day haven't been located. It just takes me to say that when your kid tells you something, don't just regard it entirely as made up, there has to be some truth in it somewhere, even if it isn't obvious. Just listen.

Well, if you want to read about the man in Brazil, here's the link:
http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/americas/06/11/brazil.incest.case/index.html?hpt=P1&iref=NS1