Oh goodness...

What to write about, that is the question. I am just sitting here, in my mom's room, with my kitty Nacho, aka, Ignacio Alejandro Oscar Ramirez, perched on top of my lap, gazing at me with his big beautiful eyes. Seriously, this cat is gorgeous, and I feel a sort of soul mate connection with him. I'm glad he's my cat, and despite the fact that I've sort of failed to be there for him entirely, he still comes back to me with his loving eyes and his reaching paw. I love him. Anyways, we took a drive today. And when I say "we", I mean, my boyfriend Cacy and I. Its odd, because I say "we", and I think of us as a "we", but often times, its as though your stealing his entire identity when he faces a situation where the fact that we are a we comes into question. For example, we were at Goodwill today, ran in to pick him up some pants for work, and the cashier greets US kindly, "hello, how are you two doing today?" Well, he of course answers, "I'm fine" and I guess that leaves me, "I'm fine too, thanks". Now is it so much to expect that he just says, "we're fine?" You know what, I guess not. And I guess I sound kind of like a spoiled brat by bringing this up, just bitchin' and complainin' like all us "women" do, hoping for a fairytale. Lol, well, I am more and more facing the reality that the life we live, as people, is never quite a fairytale. Well, whatever, back to the "we" thing. I guess that being somewhat of a feminist, I'm not sure if the somewhat implies anything valid, because you're either something or you're not, but I truly find that I believe that all people are just people, and whether or not you're a woman, a man, a black, white, puerto rican, or asian man or woman, you are just a person, and that should tell it all. We are all just people, here in this world, living, trying to get by, do what we have to do to live, either way, the point I am trying to make is that, when Cacy doesn't include me in with his "we", I feel sort of left out, dissapointed, however, why should I be? I guess I really am encouraging my independence, my right to answer my own question the way I want to answer it. There is no need for him to answer for me, it whatever. "How are you two doing today?" Well, I'm fucking dandy, thank you. Lol. Whatever. I'm just blabbing on from my scattered brain. And that brings me to another topic, who's to say that I'm blabbing? Eh? Who is to put a value on what I have to say? Yes, I'm putting my thoughts out there, on this blog, so that anyone who chooses to read them can read them, and they will judge what they read, but you know what? Who's to say that my thoughts are any less valuable than yours? eh? I don't care what you think, I am just spillin it, and its whatever. Man, I wish that I had a better box of vocabulary to choose from. But a wise person once told me, you can wish in one hand, and crap in the other, and see which on fills up first. Yea, I guess he had something right. I need to stop all this wishing bullcrap and just do something with my life. Yea, I have a job, yea I have a boyfriend, siblings, a mother, a cat, but I need to make sure to truly embrace it all, and I think then, then when I have really learned to appreciate all that I have in my life, will I be able to really do something concrete with it. Because really, as of now, what can I say that I've accomplished? Not a lotta. Yea, sure, I graduated High school, yea sure, I've taken classes and the community college, but what have I done with all of that? Nothing. I need to apply this to life somehow, get real, and make something of myself. Not be so selfish while doing it also. But seriously, Cacy and I have been arguing all week it seems like. I'm not sure why, but I get into these mental and emotional, which for me its nearly impossible to separate the two, spirals and I can't get out of them until I'm so far down that I can't decipher between fact and what I have created in my mind. Literally! It sounds crazy, but honestly, I think it may be, but there must be a way that I can stop doing this, because it is really hurting my relationships, especially with Cacy. Like, for example, actually, I don't even want to get into it. I just want to go and clean my room, maybe hang up a few pictures on the wall after I spray away the mold that is so effortlessly growing from the ceiling. Ok, well, until next time. Deuces.