I don't even know.

Alright... So, I was reading about an aspect that is located in my birth chart, the aspect is venus square pluto, pluto in the 5th house. I found some really thought provoking information. It said that I have an innate feeling of being unlovable. Since my dad died when I was pretty young, I apparently somehow, in my mind, believe that he left because he didn't love me enough. And interestingly enough, I have thought this in my conscious thoughts before. I remember when it ran through my mind. I can picture it now though. Walking into the ER. The curtain was hanging there, superfluous, as if to shield everyone from the harmless lifeless body that lay behind it. We were crying, I think all of us. Honestly, I can't remember seeing us all cry, I just remembering feeling the whales of sobs reverberating throughout my body. I cried out, "Daddy, please don't leave! Daddy!" but he left anyway. Soon after he died, I somehow realized that it was because he just didn't care enough. I'm not sure why I thought this. I don't know where the thought came from, I just know that I thought it, and that was it. Almost like I settled for that answer. And now, now that I think back, I have relayed this thought into relationships of mine. Like now, I just have this extreme feeling of not being lovable with my boyfriend, Cacy. He tells me he loves me and I inevitably question it. It's crazy! Why can't I just accept his love? Because I am afraid to. It must be so. Because I think that if I grab it, embrace it, and never let go, that it will somehow let go of me. I just want to stop. I just want to be secure with the idea that someone can love me. I think that I keep everyone, and when I say everyone, I meane everyone at a distance, not allowing them to get close enough because there is something in me that rejects the idea that they could possibly love me. It almost makes me want to cry just thinking about it, almost, but I am at work, and there are things going on all around me not letting me entirely connect to this current typing of the innards session, however, I am connected. I think by saying what I just said may make it sound like this is all bull, but it's not. I swear. Lol. I don't even know who I'm talking to when I type this. Nobody is following my blog, but you know what? It's nice to just get my thought out of my brain into a somewhat organized manner. Organized meaning that it is not jumbled around in my brain! Literally, I can drive myself crazy with the disorderliness that is my mind. Anyways. Yes. I need to learn that I can be loved, and that I am sure that there is genuine love for me from the people around me, but by holding them at a distance out of fear, I am forcing myself to lose out on genuine wholeness.